Rules of the road when travel in Vietnam

1. Obey the road rules if you can work out what they are

2. Maintain direction no matter what

3. Remember the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

4. Expect the totally unexpected

5. Do not be surprised when a 10-metre boat slung on a pole between two motor cycles crosses the expressway in front of you.

6. Do not be surprised if, despite bird flu, a flock of ducks suddenly fills the entire the highway

7. Do not be surprised if a laden bus (or anything else) comes at you on the wrong side of an expressway.

8. Red traffic lights often seem to be only advisory

9. Do not stop immediately on a red light or someone behind will run into you

10. The man with the two full-size refrigerators on the back of his mortor cycle is NOT going to stop at a red light.

11. Traffic roundabouts are only a slight inconvenience to traffic

12. It’s quite reasonable to go the wrong way up one-way streets

13. When doing something totally stupid like going the wrong way up a one-way street or into oncoming traffic, blast away on your horn

14. Ride with a finger pressed almost continuously on the horn since this is easier than obeying road rules

15. Just because you have four on the bike and are going the wrong way up a one-way street does not mean the police will stop you

16. Lights are not used during the day because they use too much electricity

17. Traffic lights can often be hidden behind trees or signs

18. “No left turn” signs are usually inconspicuous and can be moved from time to time

19. Just because you are turning left and on the left side of the carriageway doesn’t mean someone will not pass you on the left to go straight ahead

20. Just because someone is on the left side of the carriage-way in front of you does not mean they do not intend to suddenly turn right

21. Ditto if they are on the right side of the road

22. Just because there is a wall of motorbikes spanning both sides of the road facing you, don’t think you are necessarily heading into a one-way street.

23. Just because there is a car bearing down on you on your side of the road doesn’t mean he’s on the correct side of the road

24. Crash helmets are for putting in the basket at the front of your bike

25. Remember most car drivers don’t own a cars – they own motorbikes and drive accordingly

26. Double ditto for bus drivers

27. If you are going to be hit by a car make sure it is not a government car

28. Avoid foreigners since most are riding Russian bikes and need to keep going or the engine cuts out

29. Avoid any drivers wearing a green hat as they are probably xe om drivers and thus feel they are right of way